The Face of a Big Fat Negative

May 22, 2019

If you’ve never really tried to get pregnant, in the sense of where you’re tracking shit, really waiting for the TWW (two-week wait), and just crossing your fingers your period doesn’t show, then you don’t know the agony. The agony of trying not to test too early (which I did the first attempt). To just waiting and crossing all your limbs that your period doesn’t show up.

If you’ve never tried like this, you don’t know the agony of waking up with cramps and just knowing you got your period. It’s pure heartbreak. So many years of just getting a period as routine and never paying it much attention, and now it is a stab in your heart on this journey.

Sitting here today, trying to work and stay busy but every single time I feel a cramp, it’s a reminder that I’m not fucking pregnant. It’s a kick in the gut, quite literally, every single time. I’m well aware that I’ve only done two rounds and on average it takes 3.5 attempts for people to get pregnant, while it takes some couples years. I like to think I’m above average in everything I do, but so far, my body hasn’t lent itself to that theory.

I hate to say it but you know I’m going to be honest, seeing people post shit about surprise pregnancies, or “but we were on birth control,” or whatever other oopsy pregnancy, it annoys the fuck out of me now. Like I literally find myself getting angry at these people. Some I know, some are strangers on the internet.

I’m not just angry for me because let’s be honest, I’ve tried twice in all technicalities. I’m also angry for those people who try for years, even with the help of IVF. Yet there’s a drug addict on intervention who accidentally gets knocked up, continues to do drugs and somehow creates a baby. But people who truly want to raise a healthy baby, who take all the steps to make it happen, who eat like fertility nazis, who inject themselves with fertility drugs, and all this hoop jumping to make a baby and still fucking struggle. It makes me fucking angry. It’s not their fault others aren’t getting pregnant but it’s hard not to get annoyed or angry at those situations.

So what now?

Well, try #2 didn’t work either. I did two vials each round. Which means for my initial purchase of five, I only have one left. I can buy more, of course (luckily my donor has quite a bit “in stock” if you will), but at $1000 a pop, it’s not cheap.

I already put in the request for my OBGYN to put in a referral to a fertility doctor here. While he does IUIs, he’s not comfortable with the thawing process and all of that. So I would rather go see someone who does this for a living. She seems rad as fuck, female-owned private practice, works a lot with IVF and did IVF with a couple I’m familiar with here.

So that’s my next step. Everyone keeps telling me to take a month off. I’m not sure if I should or not. I’m hoping the referral can happen quickly so I can at least see her for an assessment prior to deciding to wait or not. I’d like to know where I stand beyond the basics, get an ultrasound, and all that good shit. See what we need to do to make this happen.

Hoping to hear from insurance soon so I can move forward and get a clearer picture. Until then, I’m dealing with this bitch Aunt Flo.

  • Rachel
    July 3, 2019 at 6:21 am

    I can relate so much to this. Me and my husband were trying for nearly two years before we got our positive, and every month ended the same, me in the bathroom crying, I don’t think even my husband truly understood what I was going through every month feeling like I had failed at the one thing every woman should be able to do and the mixed emotions when finding out others are pregnant, you want to be happy for them but at the same time feeling like its not fair, why do they deserve it and I dont.

    • Katie Seller
      July 9, 2019 at 4:02 pm

      That’s exactly how it feels! I should be able to, and I’m failing. I feel that way with accidental pregnancies. Drives me nuts right now!

  • Kayla
    July 5, 2019 at 10:28 am

    Did you get pregnant on the 5th vial using mosie, or did you work with a fertility dr? Also how did you get your sperm shipped to your house ?

    • Katie Seller
      July 9, 2019 at 4:00 pm

      Did not get pregnant yet. Currently working with a fertility dr. Your doctor fills out a form releasing it then you can ship wherever you want.


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