I’m Anxious as Fuck.

March 25, 2019

Not about the pregnancy, or having a baby, or doing it on my own. I’m anxious because I’m waiting. Because it’s not like a “normal” situation when it just happens, or you plan to try. I feel like because there’s so much more that goes into this, that I’m more anxious.

I feel like when a couple is trying is likes “woo! I’m fertile let’s have sex!” Me, I have a shipment date, for one of the first days I’m supposed to be fertile.

This picture (below) is last month. I was pretty damn fertile according to my Clearblue Connected ovulation kit. I was a bit worried when I tested on the 9th + 10th and got no fertility. Especially because my app, Clue, said I was supposed to be fertile already on the 7th-10th. So I kept testing. Ironically, the first day I saw a High Fertility response was the day of my doctors appointment. I never got a “peak” response but I may have missed it since I only tested in the morning.

I’m due to have my fertile week and ovulation around April 8th. Because of my actual fertility being 4 days off from my app I chose to have it delivered the same day in the cycle I started being fertile as last month. The shipment of the cryotank, with 2 vials of baby making juice inside, will be here on the 8th. So depending on Ovulation tests, I will do the first one that night and either the next day or the following day.

All of this thus far, because I’m super on top of shit, has been hurry up and wait. Now I’m just counting down the days until it’s here and I get to do my first (and second) attempt. If I’m this anxious waiting to inseminate, waiting to find out if I’m pregnant is going to be torture haha.

I’m an over thinker as it is. I overthink literally everything, even my overthinking. So my mind has been racing with things like:

“What if my app (and cycle) is actually on par with each other this time? Then why the time the shipment gets here, I’ve more than likely missed ovulation. If I miss ovulation, that’s $2,000 down the drain because once they send it, it’s mine and you either use it or trash it.”

Yup pure panic. I’m trying not to and just take it as it goes. If my period is on time, as it always is, I assume my ovulation will fall in the same schedule (a few days behind the app). But my mind is going craaaaazy.

However, I woke up this morning (Monday) to a cycle alert. Clue told me my cycle changed. I believe it’s because last month was the first time I entered data for ovulation so it adjusted. Which actually puts my mind a bit more at ease because it’s now more on par with what I thought the week would look like. Phew!

So now just impatiently awaiting April 8th. Delivery day. Possibly first insemination day. ?


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